I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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