I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
