So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
There r osticjed everywhere
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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