I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
