Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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