Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
