fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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