I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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