I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
