PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
