so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
