I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
