the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
foreskin is a definite game changer
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
