I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
