you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
