I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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