We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
