so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
