I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You are the jesus of drinking
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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