I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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