The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize