I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
