I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
