dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
