His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
