I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
