Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
