Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
