I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
the liver wants what the liver wants
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
