Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
