Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
