There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize