she looked like the before picture.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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