you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
