Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
