If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
