You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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