I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
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