i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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