I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
