I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
