I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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