I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
foreskin is a definite game changer
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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