I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
