This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
