that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
