hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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