trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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