why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
