I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
