I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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