I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
