There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
