i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
