My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hippo gnu deer
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
