yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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