life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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