come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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