Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
