so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have fence marks all over my body
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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